Yesterday reminded me just how small and interconnected Chico is. This resulted in many ponderings. There are the ethical considerations of seeing clients in the wild and even mentioning it publicly in this blog. I'm also wondering what's more important to me at this time in my life, privacy or connection. My immediate family is a fairly closed system. There are clear differentiations between who is family and who isn't, and a lot of meaning attached to those labels. Other people are welcomed and respected, but they are still outsiders. Even logistical things reflect this. Having people "drop by" the house is a foreign concept. Photos of significant others don't go on the fridge or the walls. We don't speak openly about family problems. There are clear boundaries between us and the outside world.
Contrast this with the open system I now exist in here in Chico, where the boundaries between roles/people are fuzzy and negotiable. The nonprofits-- the queers-- the punk rockers-- the MFT/MSW programs-- all very, very "small" communities. MJ and Stacey were brainstorming women to set me up with last night and hit a dead end. I said I was on hiatus from looking because "in Chico, you know everyone, and it's always going to be the friend/ex of a friend/ex, and if it's not, you have to wonder about that person because otherwise, wouldn't someone you respect already be friends with them?"
And that is the double bind. I do love the sense of community that I feel here, but it can be oppressive. I enjoy walking in somewhere and seeing someone I know... unless it's an ex, or someone I had a falling out with, or a client. I like feeling like I know everyone, until I want to meet someone new.
I think my definitions of privacy and connection have changed quite a bit recently. My main focus now is balancing the two-- how to reaffirm and maintain my form while allowing it to be more flexible and permeable than ever before. Also, I realized while talking with Kevin on Tuesday that I've come to value that sense of community so highly that the prospect of losing it after graduation is fucking unsettling. I'm afraid to start over, and I want to share all of this with my brother when he moves here.
Hmm... being a therapist in a small town is challenging, and there are other issues, but overall, I feel at home in Chico right now. I am also on the verge of growing out of it and needing to broaden my horizons. Oh... the journey continues: allowing myself to "be where I am."
I think that's a large problem with social networking being so common and smaller(ish) towns that many of us seem to end up in.
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