This situation is providing a lot of insight...
I can't decide whether to feel pathetic or strong. At the end of the day I'm leaning towards strong. Everyone's telling me variations on "You go, girl!", throwing out words like "brave" and "self-aware." They're not wrong. I am proud of myself for my honesty-- with myself and with Bo-- and how I allowed myself to inhabit the vulnerable place that it required.
The trouble I'm having now is that I want to express the full extent of my hurting. But I wasn't honest with my friends about how much I cared in the first place, so I don't know how to do that. I'm sure they all figured it out. Anyway, that and other things are holding me back from reaching out without my facade of detachment. I got misty-eyed in front of YJ but other than that, I've been utterly collected and rational for my public.
I don't want this. I don't want to keep viewing emotional expression as bad and weak. I want to own my vulnerability and find the strength in it. There is a lot of power in this place.
Today was confidence-building. I TA'ed in the morning and helped facilitate growth in my members. Art told me that I handled the conflict in the group last week "perfectly." I connected with a lot of friends that I haven't been able to talk to in awhile. Kevin and I met with our couple again in Family Practicum, and it was fucking amazing how much of a transformation has taken place over four sessions. I am trusting myself in many areas of my life, and that was heartening to remember.
So-- instead of adding this experience to the "I am always the weaker and more vulnerable person" pile, I will label it thusly: "I am strong enough to be vulnerable, and to trust that I know what's right."
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