Shut up, brain!

The 6th St. training got out early so I have a second to relax before I run off to collect Bo and Michele and my mac n cheese and head to the MFT potluck and the art show. Nobody's home and I feel all giddy, like a little kid in a secret hiding place. I want to fall asleep and not have to deal with anyone for awhile, but I know I'll regret it if I do. I'm blogging to stay awake.

So... I didn't sleep last night. I had a beer and one of those weird sedating/anti-anxiety antihistamines I'm supposed to take as needed, and I still didn't sleep. Also, I've been itchy all day and I'm paranoid that the hives are coming back. It's because my antibiotics are drying out my skin, but I'm anxious anyway, because if there's an opportunity to be anxious I always take it.

And on that note, the unease is creeping up on me again. I feel like I'm behind a screen at all times and can't quite connect with the world around me. This time I'm quite aware of why, just not what to do about it. In the short term, I mean. Since in an ideal world, in which I had the emotional energy to do the following things, I would: come out to my family, confront the anxiety in myself and in my family, find a new therapist, learn to consistently assert my needs, reach out to my friends about the things I have kept hidden, and stop running from emotional attachment. The theme in all this is me putting on a front for other people. Various fronts, really, because people want different things. I'm calm and together for my family. I'm straight and gender-normative for my extended family. I'm agreeable and sexually healthy, among other things, for my friends. Etc. Of course I feel like there's "something" getting in between me and the world; there's a million fucking things.

Maybe I should rename this thing "Anxiety Blog." It's probably been a bummer to read so far. I'm trying to process through all of this instead of burying it, though. In life as well as in this blog. I think I've taken some concrete steps towards better health lately... even writing this stuff publicly is something, y'know?