Navel-gazing.

The first thing I said when I woke up yesterday was "Really?" It was 5:30 am. I sat up and looked over in disbelief at Bo's bare shoulder peeking out over the covers. It all came back to me: How Michele and I started way too early and drank way too much, how she met a boy and we all went to hang out at his house, how insecure she became towards me, how the tension triggered mad anxiety in me, and how I felt like a child desperate for comfort-- how, in that desperation, I "had to leave" and seek out someone I trusted to envelop me with warmth and calm me down. My options were limited, since the pool of people I trust to take care of me when I'm an emotional drunk is small anyway, and most of it lives outside Chico. So I called YJ and Bo. I spent the next few hours sitting in Bo's room having a minor meltdown. He helped me process through it and eventually I got to the point where I could carry on a normal conversation. The last thing I remember is him asking if it was fucked up that he wanted to cuddle with me right then, and us cuddling despite our shared ambivalence. I guess we fell asleep that way because neither of us remember moving apart, which is highly unusual, but I digress. I woke up at 5:30 am and was overcome with insecurity remembering these things.

It turned out fine. Michele and I apologized to each other. I apologized to Bo and he seemed to understand. But the experience reminded me of how I need to safeguard myself against the anxiety. It was incredibly difficult for me to climb out of the shame spiral I found myself in-- and impossible the night before when I was drunk. I had been doing so well the week before, too; thinking positively, feeling confident, trusting myself. Just goes to show how quickly and violently it can break back in.

Last night was a bit more carefree. Michele and I went to Duffy's and were courted by middle-aged businessmen. They actually sent drinks over through the bartender. We told them we were gay and talked politics-- managed to turn it into a productive conversation that perhaps changed some minds.

And today: feeling aimless and trying to decipher what need isn't being met. Went for a long powerwalk earlier and it was great.

So many things that you can't say in a public blog. I am wondering how things are going to change now that MJ and Stacey have broken up. How I can help them though it. How to soften my feelings for Bo and still be able to hang out with him, which, who was I kidding, is going to be a difficult task. How to tell my family about August graduation. How to talk to who's it about what's it. What can I do to help myself right now? Get productive? Watch something? The roof of my mouth is badly burnt from the pizza we ate last night. Maybe ice cream. What's open? Such helpful self-soothing.