Hmm.

This weekend I found a CD of all my old pictures from senior year of high school and my year at Shasta College. So, Spring '05-fall '06. It was a trip to see photos of my first major girl crush, all my ex-boyfriends, the first night I got wasted, my first weekend in Chico, that horrible trip to Humboldt the day I got fired from JC Penney where tweekers broke into Josh's car and stole my stuff... I used to document everything back then. It was all so new and exciting. Especially the drinking and the boys. I can't believe it's been five fucking years since I got out of high school and four years since I moved to Chico. That feels like a different life, lived by a different person; but shit, it's gone by so quickly.

Today I was sitting outside Empire with YJ listening to two people play guitar and sing pretty softly under an overcast sky. There was a pleasant breeze. I was trying to articulate the anxieties I have about finding a partner. I don't know if I was super relaxed because of the atmosphere or what, but I started being honest with myself. To continue the trend, here are some concerns:

1. I very rarely meet people that I'm emotionally, intellectually, and sexually attracted to. Hell, I barely meet people I want to retain as close friends, let alone partners.

2. I've internalized all the cultural ideals of forever monogomy and soulmates, especially after growing up looking at my parents' marriage. I don't want to believe in this, but deep down, the messages are still influencing me.

3. At the same time, cognitively I don't believe that marriage or a lifelong partnership would work for me. I'm not even sure I believe in monogomy. But how do I reconcile this with the visceral emotional reactions I have in real life? My insecurities tend to overwhelm the happy ideals of non-ownership and mutual trust.

4. Going deeper, I see myself with a man. I know this is internalized heterosexism, but if I'm totally honest with myself, I picture myself sharing my life with a man. This is not what I consciously want. Sexually, I'm much more interested in women. I would probably need an open relationship if a long-term partnership with a man were to develop. But again... I don't know if I'm capable of handling that. So it's a shitty double bind.

I've got years to process this, I know. That's what our 20s are for, right? But I want to fit "it." I want to fall in love and have it turn into something stable. Not right now, and not in the near future, but sometime... and I'd like to have some idea of what it could look like.