23

List of things I haven't wanted in the last few days: to be in Chico, sex, companionship, to be productive, to show any sort of expression at all, feelings. Ruh roh! Something's coming...

Granted, it's the sort of winter-throwback Spring day that reminds us we're not out of the woods yet, which is always jarring and fosters a lot of resentment.

Let's get to it: I've never really fucked up or made horrible choices, and I'm having an intense urge to self-destruct. You know, abandon my almost-completed master's degree. Sabotage the budding proto-relationship I've found myself in. Isolate myself from my friends. Generally allow the depressed lethargy that's chilling at the back of my mind to take over for awhile.

Now. A version of this happens every winter. I'm having anxiety about graduation and entering the real world. I'm threatened by the thought of emotional intimacy for the first time after last fall's breakup. How many rationalized explanations I can come up with for why this will all turn out okay? A lot. I'm very stable and I get shit done. I always have. It's how I've come this far, and that's a long fucking way for someone my age.

But the weight of my competence is starting to feel oppressive. That sounds egotistical as fuck, but it's the truth. There are nefarious reasons for my success and a lot of them go back to my anxiety.

Really I'm not in that horrible limbo state with everything in my life. I made the decision about my AR and summer graduation, which feels right in a basic, instinctual way. I'm committed to everything I'm doing this semester that relates to actual counseling, because I love it. I'm getting up every morning and doing what I need to be doing to move forward. The anxiety isn't controlling my life so much as contributing to it in a manageable way. I suppose the one loose end here is the interpersonal aspect of my life. I'm still keeping everyone at arm's length. Lately, especially, I've been neglecting a lot of friendships just due to being short on time. But I have been trying-- reconnecting with Sam, for instance, was really gratifying and therapeutic.

I haven't made a decision to commit to stamping out the drama that's going on in the inner circle. I haven't made a decision to be totally honest in the way I describe how I'm feeling about my life right now to a significant portion of the people in my life. Etc. Yes, I'm still in hiding, and I don't know what to do about it, or even how to stop if I do decide that I want to. How do I even make that decision? And what I am so fucking afraid of?