It's still a beautiful day. It's been pleasant so far. I do love being a TA on eventful days. To jump in confidently, assuming unconsciously that I know what's best-- I'd do well to try that in real life more often.
What sunlight! And I'm comforted by my routine. I'm eating chili at Upper Crust, which I find myself doing most Tuesdays, most days, really. After this I'll walk to Empire, where all the baristas grab the Earl Gray when I walk inside, and the booths are filled with friends and acquaintances. I'm blogging excessively. Routine. It's all solitary, too, which I think accounts for a large part of the comfort. Another tidbit to remember.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Illusions, Michael!
Last night I touched up my hair, went to a show with Michele, had a few beers, and imploded. I have that nagging feeling this morning that I either fucked something up or am about to. Last night was mostly fun. My hair is purple again! At the show, Imaad Wasif's drummer spilled beer all over my bag, so he bought us drinks. Also, they were great. I took off during their last song so I hope Michele got one of their albums like we talked about. There were so many cute girls with short hair. Love.
It's beautiful out right now but it's supposed to storm again later. Super fucking lame. It's supposed to be Spring! WTF?
Last night I told Bo that the idea of love fills me with such terror that I'm not going to let myself get near it. He said, "It's going to happen. Whether it's me or someone else, it will happen, whether you want it to or not." Right. Exactly. That's the problem.
It's like I'm scaling the walls of a fairly deep, dark cave. Now and again I'll find myself paused and comfortable with a firm, steady grip. So I relax a little. Immediately I lose my footing and start tumbling into the abyss, arms flailing around, trying desperately to catch myself on something. And when I find something to grab onto to stop myself, I fucking hold on for dear life. I don't know what's down there. Possibly dinosaurs. And sharks. I can almost hear them, except I must be full of shit because they've got to be so far away that hearing them would be impossible.
Now that I've stretched that metaphor way too thin, I'm going to watch the session I missed last week and see how my couple is doing, and get ready to TA. The day is starting, whether I want it to or not, and I'mma make it good.
It's beautiful out right now but it's supposed to storm again later. Super fucking lame. It's supposed to be Spring! WTF?
Last night I told Bo that the idea of love fills me with such terror that I'm not going to let myself get near it. He said, "It's going to happen. Whether it's me or someone else, it will happen, whether you want it to or not." Right. Exactly. That's the problem.
It's like I'm scaling the walls of a fairly deep, dark cave. Now and again I'll find myself paused and comfortable with a firm, steady grip. So I relax a little. Immediately I lose my footing and start tumbling into the abyss, arms flailing around, trying desperately to catch myself on something. And when I find something to grab onto to stop myself, I fucking hold on for dear life. I don't know what's down there. Possibly dinosaurs. And sharks. I can almost hear them, except I must be full of shit because they've got to be so far away that hearing them would be impossible.
Now that I've stretched that metaphor way too thin, I'm going to watch the session I missed last week and see how my couple is doing, and get ready to TA. The day is starting, whether I want it to or not, and I'mma make it good.
Monday, March 29, 2010
23
List of things I haven't wanted in the last few days: to be in Chico, sex, companionship, to be productive, to show any sort of expression at all, feelings. Ruh roh! Something's coming...
Granted, it's the sort of winter-throwback Spring day that reminds us we're not out of the woods yet, which is always jarring and fosters a lot of resentment.
Let's get to it: I've never really fucked up or made horrible choices, and I'm having an intense urge to self-destruct. You know, abandon my almost-completed master's degree. Sabotage the budding proto-relationship I've found myself in. Isolate myself from my friends. Generally allow the depressed lethargy that's chilling at the back of my mind to take over for awhile.
Now. A version of this happens every winter. I'm having anxiety about graduation and entering the real world. I'm threatened by the thought of emotional intimacy for the first time after last fall's breakup. How many rationalized explanations I can come up with for why this will all turn out okay? A lot. I'm very stable and I get shit done. I always have. It's how I've come this far, and that's a long fucking way for someone my age.
But the weight of my competence is starting to feel oppressive. That sounds egotistical as fuck, but it's the truth. There are nefarious reasons for my success and a lot of them go back to my anxiety.
Really I'm not in that horrible limbo state with everything in my life. I made the decision about my AR and summer graduation, which feels right in a basic, instinctual way. I'm committed to everything I'm doing this semester that relates to actual counseling, because I love it. I'm getting up every morning and doing what I need to be doing to move forward. The anxiety isn't controlling my life so much as contributing to it in a manageable way. I suppose the one loose end here is the interpersonal aspect of my life. I'm still keeping everyone at arm's length. Lately, especially, I've been neglecting a lot of friendships just due to being short on time. But I have been trying-- reconnecting with Sam, for instance, was really gratifying and therapeutic.
I haven't made a decision to commit to stamping out the drama that's going on in the inner circle. I haven't made a decision to be totally honest in the way I describe how I'm feeling about my life right now to a significant portion of the people in my life. Etc. Yes, I'm still in hiding, and I don't know what to do about it, or even how to stop if I do decide that I want to. How do I even make that decision? And what I am so fucking afraid of?
Granted, it's the sort of winter-throwback Spring day that reminds us we're not out of the woods yet, which is always jarring and fosters a lot of resentment.
Let's get to it: I've never really fucked up or made horrible choices, and I'm having an intense urge to self-destruct. You know, abandon my almost-completed master's degree. Sabotage the budding proto-relationship I've found myself in. Isolate myself from my friends. Generally allow the depressed lethargy that's chilling at the back of my mind to take over for awhile.
Now. A version of this happens every winter. I'm having anxiety about graduation and entering the real world. I'm threatened by the thought of emotional intimacy for the first time after last fall's breakup. How many rationalized explanations I can come up with for why this will all turn out okay? A lot. I'm very stable and I get shit done. I always have. It's how I've come this far, and that's a long fucking way for someone my age.
But the weight of my competence is starting to feel oppressive. That sounds egotistical as fuck, but it's the truth. There are nefarious reasons for my success and a lot of them go back to my anxiety.
Really I'm not in that horrible limbo state with everything in my life. I made the decision about my AR and summer graduation, which feels right in a basic, instinctual way. I'm committed to everything I'm doing this semester that relates to actual counseling, because I love it. I'm getting up every morning and doing what I need to be doing to move forward. The anxiety isn't controlling my life so much as contributing to it in a manageable way. I suppose the one loose end here is the interpersonal aspect of my life. I'm still keeping everyone at arm's length. Lately, especially, I've been neglecting a lot of friendships just due to being short on time. But I have been trying-- reconnecting with Sam, for instance, was really gratifying and therapeutic.
I haven't made a decision to commit to stamping out the drama that's going on in the inner circle. I haven't made a decision to be totally honest in the way I describe how I'm feeling about my life right now to a significant portion of the people in my life. Etc. Yes, I'm still in hiding, and I don't know what to do about it, or even how to stop if I do decide that I want to. How do I even make that decision? And what I am so fucking afraid of?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Bronchitis and the meaning of life.
I'm sitting in Empire sucking down caffeine before my PCIT appointment at 12:45. I haven't had caffeine in four days because of the bronchitis, which has become a major cramp in my style. Although I can't argue with three doctor-mandated days of bed rest in the fragile state of mind I've inhabited for the past several months. Finally made a decision about my AR. I'm finishing it over summer. I can still walk in May and the extra time will give me more of a chance to settle into 6th St. and get more PCIT training. Not to mention the fact that I'll stay sane. I'm so done with stress. I want to drop everything and tell everyone to back the fuck off and leave me alone. But that's what I do when I'm depressed and isolating myself and I know that doesn't get me anywhere. Soooo I'm gonna throw myself into the things I care about-- my internships and family practicum-- and, since something has to give, it's going to be the AR. Can you tell I have some shame about the decision? 'Cause I do. You don't finish a master's at 23 if you don't have some shit driving you.
In any case, the "leave me alone" sentiments, though extreme, do need to be placated. I realized during my glorious days of doing nothing but sleeping and laying on the couch watching DVDs (and coughing so hard that I puked and having shaking chills and sweating excessively and feeling like I was going to pass out) that I haven't spent any time alone lately. Any. At all. I've been running, running, running around trying to do everything and see everyone. No. I love my alone time! It recharges me. And it's springtime! I've been sleep-deprived and had health problems for three solid months. I'm rebelling. Over. Done.
In any case, the "leave me alone" sentiments, though extreme, do need to be placated. I realized during my glorious days of doing nothing but sleeping and laying on the couch watching DVDs (and coughing so hard that I puked and having shaking chills and sweating excessively and feeling like I was going to pass out) that I haven't spent any time alone lately. Any. At all. I've been running, running, running around trying to do everything and see everyone. No. I love my alone time! It recharges me. And it's springtime! I've been sleep-deprived and had health problems for three solid months. I'm rebelling. Over. Done.
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