Entitlement

I'm at the Naked Lounge working on my AR. I hate the library, so I usually come here at night if I need to study. It's impossible for me to get work done at home.

Anyway, I'm just chilling at my table, typing away, when I glance up and lock eyes with someone who makes me so fucking uncomfortable that I am now having trouble concentrating. This dude and I were in the Museum of the Mind group together 2.5 years ago for class. He had a habit of getting in others' personal space. For example, stroking my back and making faux-concerned comments about my health, and ignoring nonverbal cues of discomfort. He did this to all of the girls in our group. I never said anything because he was a graphic designer and offered to do all of the design work on our project poster. Besides, I didn't want to cause conflict. Since then, I've seen him around quite a bit. We frequent the same places. I started actively trying to avoid him or cut the conversations short; after awhile, it worked. Then, about a month ago, I ran into him at Dance Night. When I say "ran into," I mean he came up to me in the crowd, gave me a hug that went on for way too long, clasped my shoulder, and said, inches away from my face, "Kari, you're a beautiful person. I enjoy seeing you around. I think you try to aviod me, but I always love seeing you around."

I was unnerved. I had to physically break away from his grasp. But I didn't say anything. I made a polite comment about how I wasn't trying to avoid him, smiled, and thanked him. Then I pounded a beer to calm my nerves.

It was fucked up. The reason I can't stand this guy is that he knows how uncomfortable he makes me; he knows that he invades women's space; he knows that we don't like it. He doesn't care. Hee knows that we won't stand up to him, so he keeps doing it and keeps getting off on the power he has to do it.

The situation seems minor, but it's indicative of a larger problem. Why do so many men feel so fucking entitled to my time, my space, and my body? And why do I feel guilty for denying them?

I know the answers to those questions, of course. It's just fucking disturbing to realize how constant and inescapable these systems of oppression are, and how much they still influence my behavior.