Trigger-happy June

I'm having a hard time finding a place for myself and Tony. Two bedrooms are hard to come by and I don't know who we would live with. MJ expressed serious interest and then changed her mind, all in one day, which is a bummer because that would have been ideal. Frustrating. So it's back to the drawing board. I just want to find a place and get settled, and then get a good job, and be on with my life. I find inconsistency infuriating. If I didn't have internship right now, I'd be going crazy.

I feel like it's all slipping away, that stuff and everything else that I've worked for. So I'm trying to tell myself that I'll get everything sorted out. It will be fine. I want someone else to tell me this right now, and get me to believe it. Helpful or pathological? Eh. I want to be held. I want to have someone that will drop everything for me and talk me through things in times like these, when that familiar panic starts creeping in. At the same time, I know I can't give that back to anyone just yet.

There's a cute barista who I have an incredibly awkward running converstation with about my tattoos and love of owls. Today she told me that she held an owl shirt for me from a community yard sale and I should pick it up tomorrow during her shift. "I start at 6 tomorrow if you want to come in... or [worriedly] Thursday at 6?" When I walked back in the door to return our glasses, she was stocking the bar. She looked up and smiled at me, and dropped half a bag of lids on the floor. Small things like this-- or riding bikes through town, or making calls about internship on "my day off," or making a mental packing list for the family trip to the coast-- are keeping a smile on my face. There is quite a lot of meaning.

Ladies of Leisure

This is weird. I have free time. I mean, social time-- not much time for myself until yesterday. What have I been doing? Well... looking for a house, taking on more stuff at internship, emailing my resume, visiting Redding, making plans to visit people, supporting friends, hanging out, drinking hella tea and beer, watching multiple seasons of the X-Files, gaining weight, and staying up all night for no reason. On antibiotics for another infected ear piercing. Fuck my cartilage! The pills are kicking my ass. Feeling better today, though.

Woke up, went to a staff meeting, bought a rainbow bracelet, went to Empire, hung out with YJ and Anndria, saw Josh right before he took off to do some noon drinking, realized again how much I dodged a bullet there, watched Coffee Prince at YJ's, came home to blog and nap before viewing a house at 5:15. MJ and Stacey are hanging out in the kitchen. They hang out constantly, which worries me given the recent past. Also, apparently Stacey feels threatened by me and asked MJ if she and I are dating. Really? I refuse to get pulled into another triangle if I'm not even getting some action out of it.

Today I realized that, for the first time in years, I don't have a crush on anyone. I haven't had one since I stopped hanging out with Bo. This was an unconscious choice on my part, I think. It's good for me to be truly single right now. It also occurred to me that the way I've gotten over feelings/crushes is to find more crushes. I can't think of a time when I wasn't "hanging out" with or pursuing someone since I was, like, 14. Even the past eight months since Josh and I broke up: distracted myself with ladies, especially Jill; got over my disappointment with the queer dating scene and lingering feelings for Josh with Bo. I didn't look for someone to "get over" the Bo debacle with. Maybe I finally trusted that I would be strong enough. I don't know. But... here I am, perfectly okay, and for awhile now. The existential questions of prolonged single-ness are the issue that I've been avoiding for so long. It's strange, because I never thought of myself as someone who was uncomfortable being single. I think I'm more or less dealing with it, though. This feels easier than falling into an entanglement or trying to date people... almost a relief. Taking care of people is all I know how to do, but I'm exhausted.

Post-grad

Graduation weekend was wonderful. Best time I've had in awhile. Now that the celebration is over, I kind of just want to fall into bed and nap until next week. I won't do that, though. Too much life to live before my work life starts...

What a crazy few days. Packed with school and internship stuff, of course. I barely slept this week, I was so busy. I just want it to be done. Starting to get excited for graduation. It hit me yesterday that it's ending. It was my last Safe Place shift and Dawn took the graduates out to lunch-- and for some reason, this made it all sink in, even more than the paperwork, even more than the commencement stuff, even more than the planning.

The fashion show was fun. A total whirlwind-- I'd do it again. The wine made it less intimidating. Though of all the people to be a fellow model, the dude I wrote about last week. Really? I had to change in front of him. That's Chico for you. After that I met up with Kevin and Meghan for drinks. Today there was Jamie's BBQ and Veronica's potluck, and then I watched Humpday with Michele and Andy. Now back to work.

I had a stressful conversation with my mom today. It has been weighing on me all day. I'm doing better about not "taking it on," but it's hard to let go. It's also hard not to feel lonely after watching something like Humpday with a 'couple.' Especially after the MFT potluck, which was fun, but reminded me how disconnected I've become from those people and how little we have in common now that school is ending.

I'm bottling things up. Gotta work on that.

Yeah.

Things lately:

Had a blast with Sam and Kyle last weekend. Schubert's, whiskey, art shows, performances, puking out of the window of the Ecocab... wait, what? Actually, that wasn't me. I just blacked out for two hours. It was fun, though. Definitely out of the ordinary for me these days, but a great break from all the stress.

Making progress on my AR. Picking up clients. Making plans.

Lots of things happening. It was a harrowing weekend. I should probably open up about it to someone that's not in the middle of it, someone who is geographically removed. I'm handling myself. Every second is worth it.

Tonight I studied at Empire, ate a burrito, jerked off, watched Treme and AI and Cake Boss at YJ's in between sipping a Summerfest and smoking with Jeff and Armando. It was pleasant. I feel relaxed now.

Tomorrow: session, AR exam, homework, shift, class meeting, run-through for the trunk show I'm modeling in, Iron Man 2, more AR work. No breaks. I always take on too much.

Feeling confused and bittersweet. What does it all mean? What do I want out of this? For now I'm content to see it through and keep in the moment. Progress.

Oh yeah, I realized again that I'm addicted to encouraging people's interest in me.

Today

It's been fucking amazing. My new bike arrived at Pullins, and then I bought the most adorable wicker basket in the history of time for it, and then I got the email telling me I've been officially approved to walk at graduation. FUCK. YES. I really have nothing else to say. I'm going to ride off into the sunset on my new baby, which I'm going to name something whimsical and feminine like Petunia (I need to give it some thought), pick up a burrito... and then do homework all night. But I don't even care, because now finishing the AR on time means something to me. Now to look for cute graduation shoes and start planning for all my visiting family...

Entitlement

I'm at the Naked Lounge working on my AR. I hate the library, so I usually come here at night if I need to study. It's impossible for me to get work done at home.

Anyway, I'm just chilling at my table, typing away, when I glance up and lock eyes with someone who makes me so fucking uncomfortable that I am now having trouble concentrating. This dude and I were in the Museum of the Mind group together 2.5 years ago for class. He had a habit of getting in others' personal space. For example, stroking my back and making faux-concerned comments about my health, and ignoring nonverbal cues of discomfort. He did this to all of the girls in our group. I never said anything because he was a graphic designer and offered to do all of the design work on our project poster. Besides, I didn't want to cause conflict. Since then, I've seen him around quite a bit. We frequent the same places. I started actively trying to avoid him or cut the conversations short; after awhile, it worked. Then, about a month ago, I ran into him at Dance Night. When I say "ran into," I mean he came up to me in the crowd, gave me a hug that went on for way too long, clasped my shoulder, and said, inches away from my face, "Kari, you're a beautiful person. I enjoy seeing you around. I think you try to aviod me, but I always love seeing you around."

I was unnerved. I had to physically break away from his grasp. But I didn't say anything. I made a polite comment about how I wasn't trying to avoid him, smiled, and thanked him. Then I pounded a beer to calm my nerves.

It was fucked up. The reason I can't stand this guy is that he knows how uncomfortable he makes me; he knows that he invades women's space; he knows that we don't like it. He doesn't care. Hee knows that we won't stand up to him, so he keeps doing it and keeps getting off on the power he has to do it.

The situation seems minor, but it's indicative of a larger problem. Why do so many men feel so fucking entitled to my time, my space, and my body? And why do I feel guilty for denying them?

I know the answers to those questions, of course. It's just fucking disturbing to realize how constant and inescapable these systems of oppression are, and how much they still influence my behavior.