So, here I am at work. Chilling at the youth shelter until 11 pm. I've been at work since 10 am. I'm doing an overnight this weekend and I'm the on-call clinician for the client Saturday and Sunday. And yeah, I did already work a full week. This job really takes it out of you, you know? We are so understaffed. I love the work I do, but it's very, very hard to maintain my self-care on days like this.

In other news, it's been the longest month of all time. I can't remember the last time I had a truly relaxing day. Everything happens at once. I'm exhausted and basically on autopilot at this point. The holidays, work, coming out to my parents, friends in crisis, family stress... etc... etc... I need a break! I had a 4-day weekend for Christmas, but it was nuts, and this was supposed to be a 3-day weekend, but that's not going to happen. At least I (in theory) have NYE off. That's not much of a break either, though.

Anyway... I've been trying to get out more and connect with people outside my immediate circle. Like, old friends and acquaintances from both Redding and Chico, and even, weirdly, a high school crush. I've even attempted to make plans with a few people I've never met before. Don't laugh-- that's a rarity these days. Except work has derailed my attempts to have a drink with one person twice now. In any case, I think it's crucial that I keep a foot in the real world outside of work and my inner circle, because otherwise I feel totally isolated and hopeless. And unattractive.

Ahhhhh.....

Inspiration

I just... want the transition period to be over. I want to be a therapist, supervisor, professor, partner, mentor, everything. Not in jobless, unlicensed limbo.

/complaints

All gonna work out in time, I know. Art straight-up told us today that he will give us 670 when he goes on sabbatical and/or retires. How great would that be? Very.

Summahtime

I've had a nice couple of days. Hanging out with friends, eating awesome food, drinking good beer, and riding bikes-- and landing an interview for a badass job that I have a good chance of getting. YES. Plus, in about an hour I'm heading to Sac to meet Addison, Jen's brand new little girl. Kinda freaky, that. I mean, we grew up together and we're so close in age... but I'm happy for her. They'll be great parents.

Hungover though. Last night I hung out with YJ and Armando for awhile and then-- and I'm not proud of this-- went to Beareoke. Nah, it was fun. I totally played sorority lesbian to get a free shot. Shut up-- I was participating in an elaborate satire of my own making, dammit! Sam invited me and a ton of people I know and like were there. I got hit on a lot, which was unusual, but Beareoke brings in a more diverse crowd. Speaking of being hit on, Kevin and Sam were flirting all over each other (I feel like I'm watching my siblings hook up or something. It's weird), and a wasted Jeff started telling me things like, "If we were in a relationship, and I impregnated you, I'd totally help you raise that baby" because "you have great genes, and mine aren't bad, I mean, I'm smart, even though I'm unmotivated". How is it that Jeff is such a sweetie that an evening of un-reciprocated come-ons aren't creepy? I gotta get me some of that magic.

God damn woman parts. Bullshit.

I'm all lightheaded and bloated and spacey, and my skin is super sensitive, and I have no appetite after eating everything in sight for the past 24 hours. Yes, it's That Time Again. It's gonna be a rough one. It might even warrant the label of 'epic.' Just like years and years ago, before I altered my body chemistry with a series of mind-numbing hormonal cures, when I used to be bedridden with the spins and pain so blinding I had to puke in public garbage cans. Awesome. Shoot me.

Everything else is going alright, though.

Jesus.

The little sister of one of my good friends drowned in Redding yesterday. We just got off the phone, and I can't even imagine what he and his family must be going through. I think about losing Tony and it makes me want to throw up. How do you deal with something like that? I just feel sick for them. Fucking sick.

Can't concentrate on my work

I talk things out much better than I write them. I write well, but I think quickly and abstractly, so I lose interest when trying to explain my inner life on paper. I also benefit from discussion. Often I write out some sort of huge blog post and then scrap it entirely for a succinct, essential version, which only came out of sorting through my long-winded thoughts. It's less interesting to send my thoughts into a void, but more honest. Though I can say with certainty that I am not always honest with myself, either.

Getting that old familiar feeling. Maybe I've overcaffeinated. This is cup four of black tea on an empty stomach, so probably. I want to be stimulated-- I need to be. And I'm not. 95% of the time I'm not. Therapy challenges me, some of my closer friends challenge me, and art challenges me. How do I learn to challenge myself instead of seeking out greater structures to do that for me? Or is that acceptable? I don't know. I think I'm used to chasing someone-- and when I say that I mean a particular but different someone in sequential points in time-- whose head I can't quite get into. That's my favorite challenge. I don't have that right now and it might be driving me insane.

God, how unhealthy is that?