Rant

It's important to me that I feel like a priority to my friends, that I feel like I get back what I put in. I'm not sure people collectively understood why it was a deal-breaker when my two "close friends" blew off my Halloween party. My reasoning: It was a culmination of times that they chose something else-- anything else-- over our friendship. And when I attempted to test the trust of our bonds by confronting them to make amends, I found that we had no foundation to stand on.

I don't have get-togethers very often. Maybe a few times a year. I'm not a natural hostess and I don't have the pull that others have, for whatever reason. The housewarming potluck was no different. It ended up being really fun and a lot of people came out to celebrate with me. I was grateful for that. But warm and fuzzy feelings aren't the reason I write this blog, so I'm going to focus on the other thing.

A few people let me know ahead of time that serious things were going on and that they couldn't make it, for health and family reasons, which is utterly, worryingly understandable. But a lot of people flat-out blew me off and I'm sick of being blown off. Take the MFT girls. I don't know why I keep trying to reach out. I always get burned. Take random other people of whom I still, somehow, have expectations of respect that no longer deliver. Take one of my very good friends, who is beginning to demonstrate a pattern of only making me a priority when she needs something.

This isn't about the potluck. It's about consistently feeling like I put in more than I get. It's about why, after so much evidence, I continue to have high expectations for these people. I need to let go. Not everyone can give me the friendships that I want, and that's fine. There is no need to continue to waste my energy and be disappointed.

I do have wonderful friends. I do have people I can count on. I do have people to whom I'm a priority. And they are where I'm going to focus my energy. Mark my words, god damn it...

I had my first real interview today. I think it went okay. Due to total lack of experience I wasn't very polished, but I think my raw enthusiasm and good instincts helped make up for it. (Hopefully.) I need to have more distance from it to evaluate how I did, since I tend to be self-critical right after the fact. Doing okay, though. We'll see... it would be a badass job, though.

I'm on a boy kick right now. It's strange and unexpected, but also familiar, and intuitively "right," given all the heteronormativity conditioning, I'm sure. I still see myself ending up with a boy. Somehow, even after all of my internal work and deconstruction and lady lust, I can't picture myself with a woman. It's frustrating. Baby steps, I know. I'm young, and only a few years ago, I thought I could never have feelings for a woman; only a few years before that, I thought I couldn't be sexually attracted to one. Baby steps.

Percy is driving me insane. He's been such a diva since we moved. He stays up all night whining and shoving his head in my face. I didn't sleep more than two hours last night. Sort of running on empty. But... hell. I need to get to work.

I moved into my new place last week. What a relief... on many levels. I have the place to myself until August, since Tony can't move in right away. Housewarming on Thursday. I've never been sole hostess before. Time to learn some social skills. It's interesting to think about... people are invested enough in me to come to my housewarming. I've built something here, something that others want to be a part of. It's a nice feeling.

Also have an interview on Tuesday. Things are starting to fall into place.

And yet... I am a ball of tension. When I woke up this morning, my stomach was in knots, and the last week or so I've been having trouble sleeping. Little things are getting to me more than they should. I just have to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

On a random note, I'm totally in love with Chuck Bartowski. Can I just jump into the TV screen and make it all real? Sigh... [Did I not mention my recent hankering for romance? Clearly it's going unfulfilled.]

How is it July already?

This week I...

applied for my first real job
found a place
got addicted to Chuck
got over a crush as soon as it became a real possibility
decided to get another kitty as soon as Percy is acclimated to the new place
had a stressful week at internship
walked around like a zombie for four days
spent a lot of time in the sun
opened up a little
bought local art (okay, in the form of a textile owl at the Ray Ray show)
showed various family members around Chico
screamed and fist-pumped my way through all of the Nadal matches it took for him to make the final


Experiencing a spot of melancholy, in the few moments I'm not running around like a madwoman. Moving into the new place will help. Just wanna relax.

Trigger-happy June

I'm having a hard time finding a place for myself and Tony. Two bedrooms are hard to come by and I don't know who we would live with. MJ expressed serious interest and then changed her mind, all in one day, which is a bummer because that would have been ideal. Frustrating. So it's back to the drawing board. I just want to find a place and get settled, and then get a good job, and be on with my life. I find inconsistency infuriating. If I didn't have internship right now, I'd be going crazy.

I feel like it's all slipping away, that stuff and everything else that I've worked for. So I'm trying to tell myself that I'll get everything sorted out. It will be fine. I want someone else to tell me this right now, and get me to believe it. Helpful or pathological? Eh. I want to be held. I want to have someone that will drop everything for me and talk me through things in times like these, when that familiar panic starts creeping in. At the same time, I know I can't give that back to anyone just yet.

There's a cute barista who I have an incredibly awkward running converstation with about my tattoos and love of owls. Today she told me that she held an owl shirt for me from a community yard sale and I should pick it up tomorrow during her shift. "I start at 6 tomorrow if you want to come in... or [worriedly] Thursday at 6?" When I walked back in the door to return our glasses, she was stocking the bar. She looked up and smiled at me, and dropped half a bag of lids on the floor. Small things like this-- or riding bikes through town, or making calls about internship on "my day off," or making a mental packing list for the family trip to the coast-- are keeping a smile on my face. There is quite a lot of meaning.

Ladies of Leisure

This is weird. I have free time. I mean, social time-- not much time for myself until yesterday. What have I been doing? Well... looking for a house, taking on more stuff at internship, emailing my resume, visiting Redding, making plans to visit people, supporting friends, hanging out, drinking hella tea and beer, watching multiple seasons of the X-Files, gaining weight, and staying up all night for no reason. On antibiotics for another infected ear piercing. Fuck my cartilage! The pills are kicking my ass. Feeling better today, though.

Woke up, went to a staff meeting, bought a rainbow bracelet, went to Empire, hung out with YJ and Anndria, saw Josh right before he took off to do some noon drinking, realized again how much I dodged a bullet there, watched Coffee Prince at YJ's, came home to blog and nap before viewing a house at 5:15. MJ and Stacey are hanging out in the kitchen. They hang out constantly, which worries me given the recent past. Also, apparently Stacey feels threatened by me and asked MJ if she and I are dating. Really? I refuse to get pulled into another triangle if I'm not even getting some action out of it.

Today I realized that, for the first time in years, I don't have a crush on anyone. I haven't had one since I stopped hanging out with Bo. This was an unconscious choice on my part, I think. It's good for me to be truly single right now. It also occurred to me that the way I've gotten over feelings/crushes is to find more crushes. I can't think of a time when I wasn't "hanging out" with or pursuing someone since I was, like, 14. Even the past eight months since Josh and I broke up: distracted myself with ladies, especially Jill; got over my disappointment with the queer dating scene and lingering feelings for Josh with Bo. I didn't look for someone to "get over" the Bo debacle with. Maybe I finally trusted that I would be strong enough. I don't know. But... here I am, perfectly okay, and for awhile now. The existential questions of prolonged single-ness are the issue that I've been avoiding for so long. It's strange, because I never thought of myself as someone who was uncomfortable being single. I think I'm more or less dealing with it, though. This feels easier than falling into an entanglement or trying to date people... almost a relief. Taking care of people is all I know how to do, but I'm exhausted.

Post-grad

Graduation weekend was wonderful. Best time I've had in awhile. Now that the celebration is over, I kind of just want to fall into bed and nap until next week. I won't do that, though. Too much life to live before my work life starts...