Feeling tremendously better this week. I think the weather has a lot to do with it. My work schedule officially changes this week-- now I'll be Sunday through Thursday, and never on call on my off days. Woot! This will actually be a good week in general. I should--SHOULD--finally get the loan check (fuck you, Bank of America, for taking 2.5 weeks to give me my money after you approve me) and therefore the new car, the weather continues to be beautiful, the Australian Open is on, my dad's visiting tomorrow, dinner party with various polyamorous intellectual elites on Thursday, a friend's birthday this weekend, a paycheck... nothing earth shattering, just a nice week. And I'm enjoying it. Breaking out of depression is a lovely experience, indeed.

The Annual Winter Depression is starting to wind down. Finally. This year, instead of binge drinking with people I hardly know, I've been isolating myself and cleaning my house. I think the cleaning might be more about my anxiety... it calms me down and centers me. But who am I kidding; I can't tell the difference. Co-morbidity, anyone? In all honesty, I think these patterns are things I'll need to learn to live with, and I'm doing just that. You know, accessing my support systems, exercising, getting out of bed. Now if only I could get this damn car transaction taken care of...

Flashback

You know when you hear a song and it takes you way the fuck back, to the point where you're reliving something? So it goes with M. Ward's "Poison Cup," which I heard just now on an episode of Veronica Mars...

Three and a half years ago, the summer I moved back to Redding, I reconnected with Josh. I was house-sitting and he stayed over. He brought wine and dinner and then told me that he wanted to be with me when I went back to school, which was a shock. He was extremely determined and adamant. We were in love, and that's what started it back again. The morning after, when I was driving to work, I listened to this song on repeat. I remember so clearly what I did that morning: drove to the sketchy Safeway, got some crazy ass espresso drink, and listened to this song. I never really listened to it before or since.

It's not Josh, or anything, really. It's just a memory of feeling loved and wanted, and I don't know what that feels like anymore. I don't have anyone. And I feel like I'm so closed off at this point that I might not find someone again.

So, here I am at work. Chilling at the youth shelter until 11 pm. I've been at work since 10 am. I'm doing an overnight this weekend and I'm the on-call clinician for the client Saturday and Sunday. And yeah, I did already work a full week. This job really takes it out of you, you know? We are so understaffed. I love the work I do, but it's very, very hard to maintain my self-care on days like this.

In other news, it's been the longest month of all time. I can't remember the last time I had a truly relaxing day. Everything happens at once. I'm exhausted and basically on autopilot at this point. The holidays, work, coming out to my parents, friends in crisis, family stress... etc... etc... I need a break! I had a 4-day weekend for Christmas, but it was nuts, and this was supposed to be a 3-day weekend, but that's not going to happen. At least I (in theory) have NYE off. That's not much of a break either, though.

Anyway... I've been trying to get out more and connect with people outside my immediate circle. Like, old friends and acquaintances from both Redding and Chico, and even, weirdly, a high school crush. I've even attempted to make plans with a few people I've never met before. Don't laugh-- that's a rarity these days. Except work has derailed my attempts to have a drink with one person twice now. In any case, I think it's crucial that I keep a foot in the real world outside of work and my inner circle, because otherwise I feel totally isolated and hopeless. And unattractive.

Ahhhhh.....

Inspiration

I just... want the transition period to be over. I want to be a therapist, supervisor, professor, partner, mentor, everything. Not in jobless, unlicensed limbo.

/complaints

All gonna work out in time, I know. Art straight-up told us today that he will give us 670 when he goes on sabbatical and/or retires. How great would that be? Very.

Summahtime

I've had a nice couple of days. Hanging out with friends, eating awesome food, drinking good beer, and riding bikes-- and landing an interview for a badass job that I have a good chance of getting. YES. Plus, in about an hour I'm heading to Sac to meet Addison, Jen's brand new little girl. Kinda freaky, that. I mean, we grew up together and we're so close in age... but I'm happy for her. They'll be great parents.

Hungover though. Last night I hung out with YJ and Armando for awhile and then-- and I'm not proud of this-- went to Beareoke. Nah, it was fun. I totally played sorority lesbian to get a free shot. Shut up-- I was participating in an elaborate satire of my own making, dammit! Sam invited me and a ton of people I know and like were there. I got hit on a lot, which was unusual, but Beareoke brings in a more diverse crowd. Speaking of being hit on, Kevin and Sam were flirting all over each other (I feel like I'm watching my siblings hook up or something. It's weird), and a wasted Jeff started telling me things like, "If we were in a relationship, and I impregnated you, I'd totally help you raise that baby" because "you have great genes, and mine aren't bad, I mean, I'm smart, even though I'm unmotivated". How is it that Jeff is such a sweetie that an evening of un-reciprocated come-ons aren't creepy? I gotta get me some of that magic.

God damn woman parts. Bullshit.

I'm all lightheaded and bloated and spacey, and my skin is super sensitive, and I have no appetite after eating everything in sight for the past 24 hours. Yes, it's That Time Again. It's gonna be a rough one. It might even warrant the label of 'epic.' Just like years and years ago, before I altered my body chemistry with a series of mind-numbing hormonal cures, when I used to be bedridden with the spins and pain so blinding I had to puke in public garbage cans. Awesome. Shoot me.

Everything else is going alright, though.

Jesus.

The little sister of one of my good friends drowned in Redding yesterday. We just got off the phone, and I can't even imagine what he and his family must be going through. I think about losing Tony and it makes me want to throw up. How do you deal with something like that? I just feel sick for them. Fucking sick.

Can't concentrate on my work

I talk things out much better than I write them. I write well, but I think quickly and abstractly, so I lose interest when trying to explain my inner life on paper. I also benefit from discussion. Often I write out some sort of huge blog post and then scrap it entirely for a succinct, essential version, which only came out of sorting through my long-winded thoughts. It's less interesting to send my thoughts into a void, but more honest. Though I can say with certainty that I am not always honest with myself, either.

Getting that old familiar feeling. Maybe I've overcaffeinated. This is cup four of black tea on an empty stomach, so probably. I want to be stimulated-- I need to be. And I'm not. 95% of the time I'm not. Therapy challenges me, some of my closer friends challenge me, and art challenges me. How do I learn to challenge myself instead of seeking out greater structures to do that for me? Or is that acceptable? I don't know. I think I'm used to chasing someone-- and when I say that I mean a particular but different someone in sequential points in time-- whose head I can't quite get into. That's my favorite challenge. I don't have that right now and it might be driving me insane.

God, how unhealthy is that?

Rant

It's important to me that I feel like a priority to my friends, that I feel like I get back what I put in. I'm not sure people collectively understood why it was a deal-breaker when my two "close friends" blew off my Halloween party. My reasoning: It was a culmination of times that they chose something else-- anything else-- over our friendship. And when I attempted to test the trust of our bonds by confronting them to make amends, I found that we had no foundation to stand on.

I don't have get-togethers very often. Maybe a few times a year. I'm not a natural hostess and I don't have the pull that others have, for whatever reason. The housewarming potluck was no different. It ended up being really fun and a lot of people came out to celebrate with me. I was grateful for that. But warm and fuzzy feelings aren't the reason I write this blog, so I'm going to focus on the other thing.

A few people let me know ahead of time that serious things were going on and that they couldn't make it, for health and family reasons, which is utterly, worryingly understandable. But a lot of people flat-out blew me off and I'm sick of being blown off. Take the MFT girls. I don't know why I keep trying to reach out. I always get burned. Take random other people of whom I still, somehow, have expectations of respect that no longer deliver. Take one of my very good friends, who is beginning to demonstrate a pattern of only making me a priority when she needs something.

This isn't about the potluck. It's about consistently feeling like I put in more than I get. It's about why, after so much evidence, I continue to have high expectations for these people. I need to let go. Not everyone can give me the friendships that I want, and that's fine. There is no need to continue to waste my energy and be disappointed.

I do have wonderful friends. I do have people I can count on. I do have people to whom I'm a priority. And they are where I'm going to focus my energy. Mark my words, god damn it...

I had my first real interview today. I think it went okay. Due to total lack of experience I wasn't very polished, but I think my raw enthusiasm and good instincts helped make up for it. (Hopefully.) I need to have more distance from it to evaluate how I did, since I tend to be self-critical right after the fact. Doing okay, though. We'll see... it would be a badass job, though.

I'm on a boy kick right now. It's strange and unexpected, but also familiar, and intuitively "right," given all the heteronormativity conditioning, I'm sure. I still see myself ending up with a boy. Somehow, even after all of my internal work and deconstruction and lady lust, I can't picture myself with a woman. It's frustrating. Baby steps, I know. I'm young, and only a few years ago, I thought I could never have feelings for a woman; only a few years before that, I thought I couldn't be sexually attracted to one. Baby steps.

Percy is driving me insane. He's been such a diva since we moved. He stays up all night whining and shoving his head in my face. I didn't sleep more than two hours last night. Sort of running on empty. But... hell. I need to get to work.

I moved into my new place last week. What a relief... on many levels. I have the place to myself until August, since Tony can't move in right away. Housewarming on Thursday. I've never been sole hostess before. Time to learn some social skills. It's interesting to think about... people are invested enough in me to come to my housewarming. I've built something here, something that others want to be a part of. It's a nice feeling.

Also have an interview on Tuesday. Things are starting to fall into place.

And yet... I am a ball of tension. When I woke up this morning, my stomach was in knots, and the last week or so I've been having trouble sleeping. Little things are getting to me more than they should. I just have to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

On a random note, I'm totally in love with Chuck Bartowski. Can I just jump into the TV screen and make it all real? Sigh... [Did I not mention my recent hankering for romance? Clearly it's going unfulfilled.]

How is it July already?

This week I...

applied for my first real job
found a place
got addicted to Chuck
got over a crush as soon as it became a real possibility
decided to get another kitty as soon as Percy is acclimated to the new place
had a stressful week at internship
walked around like a zombie for four days
spent a lot of time in the sun
opened up a little
bought local art (okay, in the form of a textile owl at the Ray Ray show)
showed various family members around Chico
screamed and fist-pumped my way through all of the Nadal matches it took for him to make the final


Experiencing a spot of melancholy, in the few moments I'm not running around like a madwoman. Moving into the new place will help. Just wanna relax.

Trigger-happy June

I'm having a hard time finding a place for myself and Tony. Two bedrooms are hard to come by and I don't know who we would live with. MJ expressed serious interest and then changed her mind, all in one day, which is a bummer because that would have been ideal. Frustrating. So it's back to the drawing board. I just want to find a place and get settled, and then get a good job, and be on with my life. I find inconsistency infuriating. If I didn't have internship right now, I'd be going crazy.

I feel like it's all slipping away, that stuff and everything else that I've worked for. So I'm trying to tell myself that I'll get everything sorted out. It will be fine. I want someone else to tell me this right now, and get me to believe it. Helpful or pathological? Eh. I want to be held. I want to have someone that will drop everything for me and talk me through things in times like these, when that familiar panic starts creeping in. At the same time, I know I can't give that back to anyone just yet.

There's a cute barista who I have an incredibly awkward running converstation with about my tattoos and love of owls. Today she told me that she held an owl shirt for me from a community yard sale and I should pick it up tomorrow during her shift. "I start at 6 tomorrow if you want to come in... or [worriedly] Thursday at 6?" When I walked back in the door to return our glasses, she was stocking the bar. She looked up and smiled at me, and dropped half a bag of lids on the floor. Small things like this-- or riding bikes through town, or making calls about internship on "my day off," or making a mental packing list for the family trip to the coast-- are keeping a smile on my face. There is quite a lot of meaning.

Ladies of Leisure

This is weird. I have free time. I mean, social time-- not much time for myself until yesterday. What have I been doing? Well... looking for a house, taking on more stuff at internship, emailing my resume, visiting Redding, making plans to visit people, supporting friends, hanging out, drinking hella tea and beer, watching multiple seasons of the X-Files, gaining weight, and staying up all night for no reason. On antibiotics for another infected ear piercing. Fuck my cartilage! The pills are kicking my ass. Feeling better today, though.

Woke up, went to a staff meeting, bought a rainbow bracelet, went to Empire, hung out with YJ and Anndria, saw Josh right before he took off to do some noon drinking, realized again how much I dodged a bullet there, watched Coffee Prince at YJ's, came home to blog and nap before viewing a house at 5:15. MJ and Stacey are hanging out in the kitchen. They hang out constantly, which worries me given the recent past. Also, apparently Stacey feels threatened by me and asked MJ if she and I are dating. Really? I refuse to get pulled into another triangle if I'm not even getting some action out of it.

Today I realized that, for the first time in years, I don't have a crush on anyone. I haven't had one since I stopped hanging out with Bo. This was an unconscious choice on my part, I think. It's good for me to be truly single right now. It also occurred to me that the way I've gotten over feelings/crushes is to find more crushes. I can't think of a time when I wasn't "hanging out" with or pursuing someone since I was, like, 14. Even the past eight months since Josh and I broke up: distracted myself with ladies, especially Jill; got over my disappointment with the queer dating scene and lingering feelings for Josh with Bo. I didn't look for someone to "get over" the Bo debacle with. Maybe I finally trusted that I would be strong enough. I don't know. But... here I am, perfectly okay, and for awhile now. The existential questions of prolonged single-ness are the issue that I've been avoiding for so long. It's strange, because I never thought of myself as someone who was uncomfortable being single. I think I'm more or less dealing with it, though. This feels easier than falling into an entanglement or trying to date people... almost a relief. Taking care of people is all I know how to do, but I'm exhausted.

Post-grad

Graduation weekend was wonderful. Best time I've had in awhile. Now that the celebration is over, I kind of just want to fall into bed and nap until next week. I won't do that, though. Too much life to live before my work life starts...

What a crazy few days. Packed with school and internship stuff, of course. I barely slept this week, I was so busy. I just want it to be done. Starting to get excited for graduation. It hit me yesterday that it's ending. It was my last Safe Place shift and Dawn took the graduates out to lunch-- and for some reason, this made it all sink in, even more than the paperwork, even more than the commencement stuff, even more than the planning.

The fashion show was fun. A total whirlwind-- I'd do it again. The wine made it less intimidating. Though of all the people to be a fellow model, the dude I wrote about last week. Really? I had to change in front of him. That's Chico for you. After that I met up with Kevin and Meghan for drinks. Today there was Jamie's BBQ and Veronica's potluck, and then I watched Humpday with Michele and Andy. Now back to work.

I had a stressful conversation with my mom today. It has been weighing on me all day. I'm doing better about not "taking it on," but it's hard to let go. It's also hard not to feel lonely after watching something like Humpday with a 'couple.' Especially after the MFT potluck, which was fun, but reminded me how disconnected I've become from those people and how little we have in common now that school is ending.

I'm bottling things up. Gotta work on that.

Yeah.

Things lately:

Had a blast with Sam and Kyle last weekend. Schubert's, whiskey, art shows, performances, puking out of the window of the Ecocab... wait, what? Actually, that wasn't me. I just blacked out for two hours. It was fun, though. Definitely out of the ordinary for me these days, but a great break from all the stress.

Making progress on my AR. Picking up clients. Making plans.

Lots of things happening. It was a harrowing weekend. I should probably open up about it to someone that's not in the middle of it, someone who is geographically removed. I'm handling myself. Every second is worth it.

Tonight I studied at Empire, ate a burrito, jerked off, watched Treme and AI and Cake Boss at YJ's in between sipping a Summerfest and smoking with Jeff and Armando. It was pleasant. I feel relaxed now.

Tomorrow: session, AR exam, homework, shift, class meeting, run-through for the trunk show I'm modeling in, Iron Man 2, more AR work. No breaks. I always take on too much.

Feeling confused and bittersweet. What does it all mean? What do I want out of this? For now I'm content to see it through and keep in the moment. Progress.

Oh yeah, I realized again that I'm addicted to encouraging people's interest in me.

Today

It's been fucking amazing. My new bike arrived at Pullins, and then I bought the most adorable wicker basket in the history of time for it, and then I got the email telling me I've been officially approved to walk at graduation. FUCK. YES. I really have nothing else to say. I'm going to ride off into the sunset on my new baby, which I'm going to name something whimsical and feminine like Petunia (I need to give it some thought), pick up a burrito... and then do homework all night. But I don't even care, because now finishing the AR on time means something to me. Now to look for cute graduation shoes and start planning for all my visiting family...