Feeling tremendously better this week. I think the weather has a lot to do with it. My work schedule officially changes this week-- now I'll be Sunday through Thursday, and never on call on my off days. Woot! This will actually be a good week in general. I should--SHOULD--finally get the loan check (fuck you, Bank of America, for taking 2.5 weeks to give me my money after you approve me) and therefore the new car, the weather continues to be beautiful, the Australian Open is on, my dad's visiting tomorrow, dinner party with various polyamorous intellectual elites on Thursday, a friend's birthday this weekend, a paycheck... nothing earth shattering, just a nice week. And I'm enjoying it. Breaking out of depression is a lovely experience, indeed.

The Annual Winter Depression is starting to wind down. Finally. This year, instead of binge drinking with people I hardly know, I've been isolating myself and cleaning my house. I think the cleaning might be more about my anxiety... it calms me down and centers me. But who am I kidding; I can't tell the difference. Co-morbidity, anyone? In all honesty, I think these patterns are things I'll need to learn to live with, and I'm doing just that. You know, accessing my support systems, exercising, getting out of bed. Now if only I could get this damn car transaction taken care of...

Flashback

You know when you hear a song and it takes you way the fuck back, to the point where you're reliving something? So it goes with M. Ward's "Poison Cup," which I heard just now on an episode of Veronica Mars...

Three and a half years ago, the summer I moved back to Redding, I reconnected with Josh. I was house-sitting and he stayed over. He brought wine and dinner and then told me that he wanted to be with me when I went back to school, which was a shock. He was extremely determined and adamant. We were in love, and that's what started it back again. The morning after, when I was driving to work, I listened to this song on repeat. I remember so clearly what I did that morning: drove to the sketchy Safeway, got some crazy ass espresso drink, and listened to this song. I never really listened to it before or since.

It's not Josh, or anything, really. It's just a memory of feeling loved and wanted, and I don't know what that feels like anymore. I don't have anyone. And I feel like I'm so closed off at this point that I might not find someone again.