I should be sleeping.

All the girls are gone. Lobby Days. I hate being in this house alone. It's been a good weekend, though. Friday night we went to the Shankers/Candy Apple show at Duffy's. I was transfixed by Candy Apple's bassist-- the stoic demeanor, the glasses-- swoon! After the show a little group of us started a dance party and I grooved on the stage. It took forever for me to get drunk; regardless, I was able to relax and enjoy being in the moment.

In the morning, we all woke up around the same time and commiserated in the living room while Peluche freaked out and chewed on everything in sight. MJ made us a delicious breakfast and we ate at the table, like a family. I realized how much I'm going to miss all of this when it's gone. That night I touched up my hair (it's fuschia now) and got some much-needed time alone.

And today, I spent several hours at Empire transitioning from "hanging out" to hanging out. A good talk was tucked in there-- closure, honesty, planning, validation, clarity-- although I had to add "We both know it's more than a glimmer" to the pile of things I'd say if I had balls. Ah well. Not so worried anymore. I know what I know about the past, and the future will take care of itself. I got Thai food, watched Veronica Mars, did homework, and Skyped Ish, who just finished a kickass run of the Vagina Monologues. She is so beautiful and strong, raw and immediate in a way that I can barely fathom. I wish she could remember these things.

Throat is sore. Realized I forgot to take my allergy meds this morning. So much to take care of tomorrow... why am I listening to Aesop Rock and blogging instead of trying to sleep? Okay, let's be honest, the answer to that is "I spent five hours drinking caffeine this afternoon." Curse you, Empire Coffee!

Other things I'd say if I had balls:
"I'm totally queer."
"You abuse your power in unacceptable ways."
"I want you back in my life."
"I want in your pants so badly it hurts."
"The intensity of your needs makes me uncomfortable."
"Sometimes when I think about the two of you, I feel like punching you and then crying."
"Let me live my own life."