Rant

It's important to me that I feel like a priority to my friends, that I feel like I get back what I put in. I'm not sure people collectively understood why it was a deal-breaker when my two "close friends" blew off my Halloween party. My reasoning: It was a culmination of times that they chose something else-- anything else-- over our friendship. And when I attempted to test the trust of our bonds by confronting them to make amends, I found that we had no foundation to stand on.

I don't have get-togethers very often. Maybe a few times a year. I'm not a natural hostess and I don't have the pull that others have, for whatever reason. The housewarming potluck was no different. It ended up being really fun and a lot of people came out to celebrate with me. I was grateful for that. But warm and fuzzy feelings aren't the reason I write this blog, so I'm going to focus on the other thing.

A few people let me know ahead of time that serious things were going on and that they couldn't make it, for health and family reasons, which is utterly, worryingly understandable. But a lot of people flat-out blew me off and I'm sick of being blown off. Take the MFT girls. I don't know why I keep trying to reach out. I always get burned. Take random other people of whom I still, somehow, have expectations of respect that no longer deliver. Take one of my very good friends, who is beginning to demonstrate a pattern of only making me a priority when she needs something.

This isn't about the potluck. It's about consistently feeling like I put in more than I get. It's about why, after so much evidence, I continue to have high expectations for these people. I need to let go. Not everyone can give me the friendships that I want, and that's fine. There is no need to continue to waste my energy and be disappointed.

I do have wonderful friends. I do have people I can count on. I do have people to whom I'm a priority. And they are where I'm going to focus my energy. Mark my words, god damn it...