Triggers

So it dawned on me this weekend that I've been dealing with loss all semester through sheer repression, and now it's all coming back up.

My defenses have been up. I've been unable to connect with my emotions. In the middle of the semester I existed in a fog, barely going through the motions of my daily life while having absolutely nothing to offer anyone. It started looking up eventually. I re-invested myself in school and counseling. I started "getting out there," getting closer to several of my friends, meeting new people, making out with everyone I've ever met, etc. It was a good time, but somewhere around the end of finals week, a sense of unease began to creep over me. With all of the stress and sleep deprivation of finals, the process of coming out in Chico and then being slapped in the face with the cold hard reality of staying closeted in my family at Christmas, the weight of everyone's expectations, dealing with being single and attracted to people again, and finally inadvertently hanging out with my ex yesterday... it was just too much. That last run-in was the last straw. It was thoroughly fine and pleasant at the time, but I had to face the fact that I am still emotionally ravaged, and as a result, I have withdrawn to the point that there is a gaping hole in my life in terms of emotional intimacy with other people.

I have become so guarded and terrified at the thought of opening up to people. It's been weeks since I was emotional in front of a friend. I remember crying in front of my mom about various things over Thanksgiving break and that's the last time I really allowed myself to be vulnerable. I want to reach out to everyone, but when it comes time for me to do it, I feel numb. I can talk for days about my self-doubt and defense mechanisms, but it's all intellectualized and distant.

So my New Year's resolution is to allow myself to be vulnerable. I'm exhausted from keeping all of this so buried. I want to stop trying to keep my distance from people by repressing my emotions and intellectualizing everything. I just want to be present in my life. It's like there's this wall between me and my life right now. I can kind of see through it-- enough to notice vague shapes on the other side-- but not enough to really connect with what's happening. I'm tired of it and it needs to change.