I'm having a hard time finding a place for myself and Tony. Two bedrooms are hard to come by and I don't know who we would live with. MJ expressed serious interest and then changed her mind, all in one day, which is a bummer because that would have been ideal. Frustrating. So it's back to the drawing board. I just want to find a place and get settled, and then get a good job, and be on with my life. I find inconsistency infuriating. If I didn't have internship right now, I'd be going crazy.
I feel like it's all slipping away, that stuff and everything else that I've worked for. So I'm trying to tell myself that I'll get everything sorted out. It will be fine. I want someone else to tell me this right now, and get me to believe it. Helpful or pathological? Eh. I want to be held. I want to have someone that will drop everything for me and talk me through things in times like these, when that familiar panic starts creeping in. At the same time, I know I can't give that back to anyone just yet.
There's a cute barista who I have an incredibly awkward running converstation with about my tattoos and love of owls. Today she told me that she held an owl shirt for me from a community yard sale and I should pick it up tomorrow during her shift. "I start at 6 tomorrow if you want to come in... or [worriedly] Thursday at 6?" When I walked back in the door to return our glasses, she was stocking the bar. She looked up and smiled at me, and dropped half a bag of lids on the floor. Small things like this-- or riding bikes through town, or making calls about internship on "my day off," or making a mental packing list for the family trip to the coast-- are keeping a smile on my face. There is quite a lot of meaning.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Ladies of Leisure
This is weird. I have free time. I mean, social time-- not much time for myself until yesterday. What have I been doing? Well... looking for a house, taking on more stuff at internship, emailing my resume, visiting Redding, making plans to visit people, supporting friends, hanging out, drinking hella tea and beer, watching multiple seasons of the X-Files, gaining weight, and staying up all night for no reason. On antibiotics for another infected ear piercing. Fuck my cartilage! The pills are kicking my ass. Feeling better today, though.
Woke up, went to a staff meeting, bought a rainbow bracelet, went to Empire, hung out with YJ and Anndria, saw Josh right before he took off to do some noon drinking, realized again how much I dodged a bullet there, watched Coffee Prince at YJ's, came home to blog and nap before viewing a house at 5:15. MJ and Stacey are hanging out in the kitchen. They hang out constantly, which worries me given the recent past. Also, apparently Stacey feels threatened by me and asked MJ if she and I are dating. Really? I refuse to get pulled into another triangle if I'm not even getting some action out of it.
Today I realized that, for the first time in years, I don't have a crush on anyone. I haven't had one since I stopped hanging out with Bo. This was an unconscious choice on my part, I think. It's good for me to be truly single right now. It also occurred to me that the way I've gotten over feelings/crushes is to find more crushes. I can't think of a time when I wasn't "hanging out" with or pursuing someone since I was, like, 14. Even the past eight months since Josh and I broke up: distracted myself with ladies, especially Jill; got over my disappointment with the queer dating scene and lingering feelings for Josh with Bo. I didn't look for someone to "get over" the Bo debacle with. Maybe I finally trusted that I would be strong enough. I don't know. But... here I am, perfectly okay, and for awhile now. The existential questions of prolonged single-ness are the issue that I've been avoiding for so long. It's strange, because I never thought of myself as someone who was uncomfortable being single. I think I'm more or less dealing with it, though. This feels easier than falling into an entanglement or trying to date people... almost a relief. Taking care of people is all I know how to do, but I'm exhausted.
Woke up, went to a staff meeting, bought a rainbow bracelet, went to Empire, hung out with YJ and Anndria, saw Josh right before he took off to do some noon drinking, realized again how much I dodged a bullet there, watched Coffee Prince at YJ's, came home to blog and nap before viewing a house at 5:15. MJ and Stacey are hanging out in the kitchen. They hang out constantly, which worries me given the recent past. Also, apparently Stacey feels threatened by me and asked MJ if she and I are dating. Really? I refuse to get pulled into another triangle if I'm not even getting some action out of it.
Today I realized that, for the first time in years, I don't have a crush on anyone. I haven't had one since I stopped hanging out with Bo. This was an unconscious choice on my part, I think. It's good for me to be truly single right now. It also occurred to me that the way I've gotten over feelings/crushes is to find more crushes. I can't think of a time when I wasn't "hanging out" with or pursuing someone since I was, like, 14. Even the past eight months since Josh and I broke up: distracted myself with ladies, especially Jill; got over my disappointment with the queer dating scene and lingering feelings for Josh with Bo. I didn't look for someone to "get over" the Bo debacle with. Maybe I finally trusted that I would be strong enough. I don't know. But... here I am, perfectly okay, and for awhile now. The existential questions of prolonged single-ness are the issue that I've been avoiding for so long. It's strange, because I never thought of myself as someone who was uncomfortable being single. I think I'm more or less dealing with it, though. This feels easier than falling into an entanglement or trying to date people... almost a relief. Taking care of people is all I know how to do, but I'm exhausted.
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