Post-grad

Graduation weekend was wonderful. Best time I've had in awhile. Now that the celebration is over, I kind of just want to fall into bed and nap until next week. I won't do that, though. Too much life to live before my work life starts...

What a crazy few days. Packed with school and internship stuff, of course. I barely slept this week, I was so busy. I just want it to be done. Starting to get excited for graduation. It hit me yesterday that it's ending. It was my last Safe Place shift and Dawn took the graduates out to lunch-- and for some reason, this made it all sink in, even more than the paperwork, even more than the commencement stuff, even more than the planning.

The fashion show was fun. A total whirlwind-- I'd do it again. The wine made it less intimidating. Though of all the people to be a fellow model, the dude I wrote about last week. Really? I had to change in front of him. That's Chico for you. After that I met up with Kevin and Meghan for drinks. Today there was Jamie's BBQ and Veronica's potluck, and then I watched Humpday with Michele and Andy. Now back to work.

I had a stressful conversation with my mom today. It has been weighing on me all day. I'm doing better about not "taking it on," but it's hard to let go. It's also hard not to feel lonely after watching something like Humpday with a 'couple.' Especially after the MFT potluck, which was fun, but reminded me how disconnected I've become from those people and how little we have in common now that school is ending.

I'm bottling things up. Gotta work on that.

Yeah.

Things lately:

Had a blast with Sam and Kyle last weekend. Schubert's, whiskey, art shows, performances, puking out of the window of the Ecocab... wait, what? Actually, that wasn't me. I just blacked out for two hours. It was fun, though. Definitely out of the ordinary for me these days, but a great break from all the stress.

Making progress on my AR. Picking up clients. Making plans.

Lots of things happening. It was a harrowing weekend. I should probably open up about it to someone that's not in the middle of it, someone who is geographically removed. I'm handling myself. Every second is worth it.

Tonight I studied at Empire, ate a burrito, jerked off, watched Treme and AI and Cake Boss at YJ's in between sipping a Summerfest and smoking with Jeff and Armando. It was pleasant. I feel relaxed now.

Tomorrow: session, AR exam, homework, shift, class meeting, run-through for the trunk show I'm modeling in, Iron Man 2, more AR work. No breaks. I always take on too much.

Feeling confused and bittersweet. What does it all mean? What do I want out of this? For now I'm content to see it through and keep in the moment. Progress.

Oh yeah, I realized again that I'm addicted to encouraging people's interest in me.

Today

It's been fucking amazing. My new bike arrived at Pullins, and then I bought the most adorable wicker basket in the history of time for it, and then I got the email telling me I've been officially approved to walk at graduation. FUCK. YES. I really have nothing else to say. I'm going to ride off into the sunset on my new baby, which I'm going to name something whimsical and feminine like Petunia (I need to give it some thought), pick up a burrito... and then do homework all night. But I don't even care, because now finishing the AR on time means something to me. Now to look for cute graduation shoes and start planning for all my visiting family...

Entitlement

I'm at the Naked Lounge working on my AR. I hate the library, so I usually come here at night if I need to study. It's impossible for me to get work done at home.

Anyway, I'm just chilling at my table, typing away, when I glance up and lock eyes with someone who makes me so fucking uncomfortable that I am now having trouble concentrating. This dude and I were in the Museum of the Mind group together 2.5 years ago for class. He had a habit of getting in others' personal space. For example, stroking my back and making faux-concerned comments about my health, and ignoring nonverbal cues of discomfort. He did this to all of the girls in our group. I never said anything because he was a graphic designer and offered to do all of the design work on our project poster. Besides, I didn't want to cause conflict. Since then, I've seen him around quite a bit. We frequent the same places. I started actively trying to avoid him or cut the conversations short; after awhile, it worked. Then, about a month ago, I ran into him at Dance Night. When I say "ran into," I mean he came up to me in the crowd, gave me a hug that went on for way too long, clasped my shoulder, and said, inches away from my face, "Kari, you're a beautiful person. I enjoy seeing you around. I think you try to aviod me, but I always love seeing you around."

I was unnerved. I had to physically break away from his grasp. But I didn't say anything. I made a polite comment about how I wasn't trying to avoid him, smiled, and thanked him. Then I pounded a beer to calm my nerves.

It was fucked up. The reason I can't stand this guy is that he knows how uncomfortable he makes me; he knows that he invades women's space; he knows that we don't like it. He doesn't care. Hee knows that we won't stand up to him, so he keeps doing it and keeps getting off on the power he has to do it.

The situation seems minor, but it's indicative of a larger problem. Why do so many men feel so fucking entitled to my time, my space, and my body? And why do I feel guilty for denying them?

I know the answers to those questions, of course. It's just fucking disturbing to realize how constant and inescapable these systems of oppression are, and how much they still influence my behavior.

Yay self-care!

Today I have already...

1. Had time to do homework at Safe Place
2. Met with Margaret about my AR and had my outline approved
3. Ordered my ah-mazing new commuter bike from Pullins
4. Eaten delicious chili from Upper Crust

and soon/later will...

5. Power-walk while listening to Pandora on the Droid
6. Power-nap
7. Make a salad for dinner
8. Meet Meghan for tea
9. See Greenberg with Karin
10. Finish writing the first chapter of my AR

I am happy today because:

1. The weather is amazing
2. I know a lot of good people
3. I'm taking care of my body
4. My motivation has returned
5. I'm getting my alone time
6. It's fun being cute and single
7. My allergies have subsided
8. I'm wearing a jaunty new dress

I kinda feel like singing.

I need to get working on my AR, but it's so beautiful outside. This weather makes me feel so alive. Yesterday, with all the bike riding and drinking Summerfest on porches and wearing my Saltwater sandals, made it sink in that summer is coming. Three fucking weeks away! I can't wait. There's a lot to get through before then, though.

I've been rather lonely lately. I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by people without connecting to anyone. This morning I hung out with a cute new friend at Empire. Josh and his little sister (who I still have a crush on; I know it's terrible but I can't help it) came by while I was there, as did Bo. I stopped and talked to Bo for a few minutes before I left. During the conversation it hit me that I barely communicate anything personal or meaningful to the people I see the most. Why is this? Well, I think it has a lot to do with how quickly information travels in my circle. Not just travels, but warps. It's like a giant game of telephone sometimes. It's not that I don't want my thoughts to be out in the open, or that I'm talking shit; there are just some things I'd rather process in confidence.

I guess saying that I don't connect to anyone is misleading. I do in many ways-- through banter, or venting about school, or or watching movies, or having a few beers. It's a specific outlet that I'm missing, one that involves a more direct and honest discourse, and challenges me to open up, explore, and give and receive in equal measure. It's not that these outlets don't exist... I just want more of them. And I wish so many of them didn't live so far away.

This is probably the root of my recent longing for a partner. God knows I don't really want one right now, but more emotional needs being met? Absolutely.

I wish my life weren't so compartmentalized. I would like to lean on my family more for support, but before I can do that fully, I will need to come out and continue to differentiate, which is going to be a long process, I think.

Hm.

This week...

1. DROID.

2. Turned in my paperwork for requesting to walk. Please, please.

3. Looking at getting a new commuter bike.

4. Told my parents about August graduation and dealt with a few days of weirdness before it seemed to settle in and be accepted.

5. Told Michele I'm moving out. So did MJ. MJ gave 30 days' notice, though. I think Michele is freaking out a little bit. I feel guilty (of course I do, I always do), but I've given two months' notice, and I need to get my own place. It's time.

6. On Wednesday night some friends were complaining about how much they hate seeing their exes, and it made me realize that I hadn't seen Josh in awhile and how I genuinely do want to maintain a friendship with him. So I asked him to get coffee this week and he agreed.

7. Had a startling realization the other day. It was like an awakening of feelings I didn't know I had. It's strange, but I'm content to sit with it for now. Not that I have much of a choice.

8. I'd forgotten how easy it is to get attached to clients, because I don't experience it the same way while leading groups. Individuals and couples, though? Time to amp up the self-care.

9. This weekend is going to be hectic. Today I need to work on my AR, then Armando's birthday get-together, then I have to hang out at the show for at least a bit because I'm going to test-ride Irene's bike. Then more AR work. Tomorrow I am meeting a pretty lady for coffee and then doing even more AR work, with a dash of "busy work essay for Wellness & Recovery" thrown in. Plus power-walking and perhaps bike-ordering, and certainly Droid-obsessing.

10. Alright, I'm leaving my bed. Gotta get to it!