Feeling tremendously better this week. I think the weather has a lot to do with it. My work schedule officially changes this week-- now I'll be Sunday through Thursday, and never on call on my off days. Woot! This will actually be a good week in general. I should--SHOULD--finally get the loan check (fuck you, Bank of America, for taking 2.5 weeks to give me my money after you approve me) and therefore the new car, the weather continues to be beautiful, the Australian Open is on, my dad's visiting tomorrow, dinner party with various polyamorous intellectual elites on Thursday, a friend's birthday this weekend, a paycheck... nothing earth shattering, just a nice week. And I'm enjoying it. Breaking out of depression is a lovely experience, indeed.

The Annual Winter Depression is starting to wind down. Finally. This year, instead of binge drinking with people I hardly know, I've been isolating myself and cleaning my house. I think the cleaning might be more about my anxiety... it calms me down and centers me. But who am I kidding; I can't tell the difference. Co-morbidity, anyone? In all honesty, I think these patterns are things I'll need to learn to live with, and I'm doing just that. You know, accessing my support systems, exercising, getting out of bed. Now if only I could get this damn car transaction taken care of...

Flashback

You know when you hear a song and it takes you way the fuck back, to the point where you're reliving something? So it goes with M. Ward's "Poison Cup," which I heard just now on an episode of Veronica Mars...

Three and a half years ago, the summer I moved back to Redding, I reconnected with Josh. I was house-sitting and he stayed over. He brought wine and dinner and then told me that he wanted to be with me when I went back to school, which was a shock. He was extremely determined and adamant. We were in love, and that's what started it back again. The morning after, when I was driving to work, I listened to this song on repeat. I remember so clearly what I did that morning: drove to the sketchy Safeway, got some crazy ass espresso drink, and listened to this song. I never really listened to it before or since.

It's not Josh, or anything, really. It's just a memory of feeling loved and wanted, and I don't know what that feels like anymore. I don't have anyone. And I feel like I'm so closed off at this point that I might not find someone again.

So, here I am at work. Chilling at the youth shelter until 11 pm. I've been at work since 10 am. I'm doing an overnight this weekend and I'm the on-call clinician for the client Saturday and Sunday. And yeah, I did already work a full week. This job really takes it out of you, you know? We are so understaffed. I love the work I do, but it's very, very hard to maintain my self-care on days like this.

In other news, it's been the longest month of all time. I can't remember the last time I had a truly relaxing day. Everything happens at once. I'm exhausted and basically on autopilot at this point. The holidays, work, coming out to my parents, friends in crisis, family stress... etc... etc... I need a break! I had a 4-day weekend for Christmas, but it was nuts, and this was supposed to be a 3-day weekend, but that's not going to happen. At least I (in theory) have NYE off. That's not much of a break either, though.

Anyway... I've been trying to get out more and connect with people outside my immediate circle. Like, old friends and acquaintances from both Redding and Chico, and even, weirdly, a high school crush. I've even attempted to make plans with a few people I've never met before. Don't laugh-- that's a rarity these days. Except work has derailed my attempts to have a drink with one person twice now. In any case, I think it's crucial that I keep a foot in the real world outside of work and my inner circle, because otherwise I feel totally isolated and hopeless. And unattractive.

Ahhhhh.....

Inspiration

I just... want the transition period to be over. I want to be a therapist, supervisor, professor, partner, mentor, everything. Not in jobless, unlicensed limbo.

/complaints

All gonna work out in time, I know. Art straight-up told us today that he will give us 670 when he goes on sabbatical and/or retires. How great would that be? Very.

Summahtime

I've had a nice couple of days. Hanging out with friends, eating awesome food, drinking good beer, and riding bikes-- and landing an interview for a badass job that I have a good chance of getting. YES. Plus, in about an hour I'm heading to Sac to meet Addison, Jen's brand new little girl. Kinda freaky, that. I mean, we grew up together and we're so close in age... but I'm happy for her. They'll be great parents.

Hungover though. Last night I hung out with YJ and Armando for awhile and then-- and I'm not proud of this-- went to Beareoke. Nah, it was fun. I totally played sorority lesbian to get a free shot. Shut up-- I was participating in an elaborate satire of my own making, dammit! Sam invited me and a ton of people I know and like were there. I got hit on a lot, which was unusual, but Beareoke brings in a more diverse crowd. Speaking of being hit on, Kevin and Sam were flirting all over each other (I feel like I'm watching my siblings hook up or something. It's weird), and a wasted Jeff started telling me things like, "If we were in a relationship, and I impregnated you, I'd totally help you raise that baby" because "you have great genes, and mine aren't bad, I mean, I'm smart, even though I'm unmotivated". How is it that Jeff is such a sweetie that an evening of un-reciprocated come-ons aren't creepy? I gotta get me some of that magic.